Sunday, September 07, 2003

Port Authority's New "F Ridership" Campaign Succeeds

In September of 2002, Port Authority Transit (PAT) of Allegheny County began its highly controversial “Fuck Ridership” campaign. The results are in, and it’s being hailed as an overwhelming success.

“Ridership has never been more fucked,” explained PAT Chief Executive Officer Paul P. Skoutelas, speaking at a press conference marking the one-year anniversary of the “Fuck Ridership” campaign. “I am happy to report that today, riders enjoy scaled-back bus routes, increased fares, and disgruntled operators on all bus and trolley [“T”] routes. The cost of bus passes is the highest it’s ever been. This has really been our most successful campaign to date.”

PAT, which offered 24-hour service on its most popular routes in the Summer of 2002, kicked off the “Fuck Ridership” campaign in the early Fall of 2002, when it announced a simultaneous discontinuing of 24-hour service and 15 cent fare raise.

“Fuckin’ PAT be putting its money into the ‘T’ and keeping up the inclines and shit, but have you taken the EBO lately?” asked an angry Antonio Watcher. “We lucky that mutherfucker even has wheels, the way it look. My baby’s mamma would kill me if she knew I took ‘lil Jawann on that bus.”

“I just wish we could get more money from the state,” continued Skoutelas. “Then we could extend the ‘T’ and put a few accordion buses to Shadyside on at rush hour.”

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