Friday, April 25, 2003

Sororities Celebrate Senior Bar Tours:
- Mayor Announces Citywide Zima Shortage

As hundreds of graduating sorority members pack local bars for their long-awaited senior drinking binges, Mayor Tom Murphy publicly declared a citywide shortage of Zima.

“My administration was caught completely off-guard,” Murphy said in a press conference last week. “We severely underestimated how many Zimas the average sorority girl can consume. This is the most devastating shortage to hit our administration since the dearth of Mario Lemieux commemorative Stroh’s cans reeked havoc on the city in the fall and winter of 1997.”

Last year’s budget projected that each Greek woman would quaff three Zimas before passing out. However, the class of 2003 apparently harbors more alcoholics than previous classes.

Missy Peters, a self-proclaimed “Zima enthusiast” and a graduating sister of Sigma Sigma Sigma, was devastated by the mayor’s news.

“What was once a drunken rite-of-passage has been reduced to a sober waste-of-time,” Peters said.

Wearing pink “Sigma Drinking Team” T-shirts, Peters and her fellow Zima-lovers stumbled up-and-down East Carson Street in a futile search for the coveted, citrus-flavored malt beverage. After investigating 10 bars, the group settled on a round of Smirnoff Ice at Club Implosions.

Mayor Murphy apologized for the miscalculation saying, “My heart goes out to all those affected. My only hope now is that this tragedy will not put a damper on the upcoming high school prom season.”

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