Friday, April 25, 2003

Pitt Sophomore Still Taking Terror Precautions

Tensions rose at 312 Atwood Street last weekend when Pitt sophomore Bryan Jones attempted to remove the plastic he and his roommates put on the windows before the winter began. The residence is an older, drafty building, and with the rising temperatures, Jones wanted to open the windows to let in some fresh air.

Roommate Josh Fraser abruptly stopped the removal proceedings, citing the need to keep their house equipped for a possible biological, chemical, nuclear, or radiological terrorist attack.

“I can’t believe you’re even thinking about taking down the plastic!” Fraser exclaimed. “What if there is contaminated air out there in South Oakland? Don’t you know that it may end up saving our lives?”

Jones attempted to reason with Fraser, stating that the roommates had put up the plastic before any warnings were even given to the American public. He also said that the old house had tons of drafts and certainly wasn’t airtight, which would mean in the event of an attack, the plastic would provide Fraser with possibly 10 more minutes of life than the rest of the world.

“The Department of Homeland Security would not give us misinformation – we must be prepared,” Fraser retorted.

“Goddamn Josh is just frigging lazy,” Jones said. “That asshole didn’t even help us put any of it up, and now he doesn’t want to help us take it down.”

Jones also reported that Fraser often claims to have a stockpile of duct tape and three days worth of food and water stashed in his bedroom closet, although the roommates have debunked the idea. They believe Fraser wouldn’t “walk his fat ass to the store to buy the shit.”

The residents of 312 Atwood have compromised by removing the plastic from everyone’s bedroom windows except for Fraser’s.

“This is a great safe room for me, especially with the proximity to the bathroom. They’ll be sorry in the end.”

There have been no reports as to what Fraser will do when the apartment lease ends in June. “Let him figure it out. If he still wants to be ‘safe,’ he’ll need to put the fucking plastic up himself in a new apartment, because we’re all moving out.”

No comments: