Paraphernalia Seized in South Oakland Raid

A month after confiscating drug paraphernalia from local head shop, Tela Ropa, federal agents raided several South Oakland-area grocery stores to remove all Honey Bear squeeze bottles and any other product that could potentially be used to smoke marijuana.

The raid was part of “Operation Pipe Dreams,” a nationwide crackdown on drug accessories. Armed with semi-automatic weapons and money saving coupons, authorities went up and down every aisle, filling their carts with hundreds of seemingly inoffensive products.

“Sergeant Peterson! Grab those super absorbent Tampax Tampons!” screamed Mark Winters, a U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration agent. “Those things are just begging to be packed with wacky weed!”

Agent Winters cleared the shelves of pop bottles, Redi Whip cans, roach clip-like eye brow tweezers, juice boxes and apples before being deployed to the snack food aisle to seize all “munchies.”

“If these hippie freaks do get their grubby little hands on the Mary Jane, we don’t want them to have anything good to eat!” he said.

South Oakland stoners are disappointed, but not deterred, by the raids.

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way, man,” said resident pothead Chad Long, who then proceeded to hit a bong fashioned out of an empty toilet paper roll, tinfoil and chicken wire.