Friday, April 25, 2003

Student Health Celebrates One Millionth STD

The University of Pittsburgh’s Student Health Center celebrated a milestone this past week when it treated its one millionth STD case.

“Oh, it’s just fantastic,” cheered long-time nurse Helen Davis. “I’m so glad we finally got here. There was a while in the seventies where I thought we’d hit one million by around 1984, but then came all the ‘safe sex’ media, and we hit a big lull. Slowly though, we started seeing ‘the clap,’ syphilis, etc. start to seep back into our office. And now, here we are.”

The lucky one millionth case was freshman Jeremy Carroll who quietly arrived on Wednesday afternoon, complaining about a “sick” discharge and pain when he urinated.

“One look at it,” said nurse Aisha Watson, “and I knew it. Bam! Chlamydia. I hit our ‘one million’ alarm, and all hell broke loose.”

Balloons and streamers showered down on Carroll in the examination room, and in the waiting room as well. Nurses and office staff came in to celebrate with a quiet, blushing Carroll.

“Please, it’s ok, no big deal, really,” pleaded Carroll, asking to just be quietly treated so he could leave.

For being the lucky winner, Carroll will receive a year’s worth of penicillin and penile swabbing, as well as a month’s supply of cottage cheese. He’ll be featured on a cover story in the Pitt News and have his name and face advertised everywhere as part of the health center’s Does it burn when you pee? Maybe it’s an STD campaign. Most importantly, though, Carroll won himself a semester of paid tuition, room, and board.

“Because of the whole free-tuition thing,” said nurse Davis, “we had to call his parents to inform them of the prize, and how lucky their son was. The thing is, though, they didn’t seem too excited about it.”

According to roommate Walt Anders, Carroll was probably exposed to the winning STD by a fellow Tower B tenant he knew only as “Kim.”

“Even though she looks like she got hit in the face with a bag of nickels,” began Anders, “I totally would have nailed her just to win the tuition. That Carroll… what a lucky prick.”

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