Gay Man Outed By Cabana Boy Rum Purchase

Long-time South Oakland resident and closeted homosexual, Raymond Murphy, was outed last week by his liquor store purchase.

During a party thrown at their McKee Place apartment, straight roommate Dan Collins sent Murphy on a booze run.

“We were going through rum pretty fast,” Collins said. “So I told Ray to grab a couple bottles of cheap, bottom-shelf shit. What he came back with confirms the fact that he’s a total flamer.” Forgoing a 2-for-1 special on Jacquin’s, Murphy opted on the more expensive Cabana Boy brand rum. Known for its exotic flavors and provocative packaging, each bottle of Cabana Boy features a different scantily clad stud emblazoned on the front. Murphy couldn’t decide between the Vanilla Spice hard-body in Hawaiian swim trunks or the Coconut hunk in white linen pants – so he bought them both.

“I got Cabana Boy because it tastes FAB-U-LOUS and goes perfectly with our tropical island party decor. It was a purchase made for thematic reasons,” Murphy said.

“That’s bullshit,” Collins retorted. “He’s just gay.”