Wednesday, July 10, 2002

Coneman Delayed By Merge Off West End Circle

Pittsburgh’s own champion of construction-season commuting, Coneman, was trapped last Thursday for 30 minutes trying to merge off the West End Circle and onto Carson Street.

“F#ck!” exclaimed a helpless Coneman, making no progress.

Coneman, the local hero and mouthpiece for the Pittsburgh Downtown Partnership’s summertime detours, was reportedly trying to get from his home in McKees Rocks to a press conference at the County Office Building.

The West End Circle has become the most notable center for rush-hour congestion as repairs continue on the Fort Pitt Bridge and Tunnel, Pittsburgh’s main artery onto and off of Parkway West. With little other alternatives into town, Coneman was forced to take his chances through the West End.

“LOOK!! Open… open spot… go… GO… you little old...,” replied Coneman when asked for comment. “She could have at least stuck her nose out in there and someone would have let her…ah, screw it.”

Not much is known about Coneman’s origin, or really his role in summertime construction, but it is clear that even he is not immune to the suicidal tendencies gridlock brings.

“Kill me. Kill me now,” sighed Coneman, sweaty, and sticking to the ripped vinyl seats of his 1970’s rust-brown Dodge Aspen.

The bottleneck at the off-ramp has also taken its toll on Coneman’s trusty sidekick, his dog, Caution. The mutt remained motionless on its side in the back seat for at least 15 minutes, apparently passed out from the oppressive heat and internal fumes of the Aspen.

“Oh, my sweet Jesus Lord, please. Just go,” Coneman begged of the elderly woman in the car ahead of him.

With sweat streaming down his face from his bright orange hard hat, and presumably no movement in sight from the old lady ahead of him, it was unclear when Coneman would actually get his chance to merge.

“The hero of the commuter,” commented a fellow motorist. “Well I guess wherever there is traffic, Coneman is definitely there.”

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