"Stay, Invent PA" Campaign Not Referring to Pitt Students- "We're talking about the CMU grads," says Governor

For months, recent and upcoming graduates have been filled with hope – hope that they will be able to find a quality job in their hometown here in Pittsburgh, or in towns across all of Pennsylvania. These hopes have been fueled by Pennsylvania Governor Mark Schweiker’s multi-million dollar advertising campaign “Stay, Invent PA” targeted at the state’s college graduates. The ads imply that Pennsylvania offers great opportunities and lower costs of living that would appeal to the new grad, fresh in the real world.

But those hopes were crushed and quickly swept aside this past Wednesday when Governor Schweiker stated, “Yeah, we’re not really talking about Pitt people in those commercials. We have to show those ads so much in the Pittsburgh area because of CMU.”

Schweiker’s statement ended months of speculation within the Pitt community. “Well, we’ve been seeing these commercials all the time. At first, I was like, ‘what the fuck is this?’ All I knew is that it was some fat guy in a ballerina suit yelling at some kid,” said Pitt senior Maria Pesto. “But after seeing it a couple times, I realized it was talking about how PA had all these jobs for college graduates. So naturally, I was excited. I’ll graduate in December, so I kind of stopped worrying about getting a job when I left, or at least not having to move to North Carolina or something. After thinking about it though, I thought, ‘well, where the hell are these jobs anyway?’ No one I know is getting any of them. What’s the deal?”

“Oh yeah, lots of jobs. Yeah, right,” jokes recent grad Miller Cavanaugh. “It’s been nearly three months and I’m still waiting for my chance to ‘stay, invent PA.’ Fuck that. Yeah, some of my friends have gotten jobs, sure. But they’re still moving to D.C. or New York to get them. What a load of shit.”

When told of the feelings of students like Cavanaugh, Governor Schweiker responded, “Well, wait, wait a second there. These students have to remember, they went to Pitt. The kids I want to stick around are those from CMU.”

“I find very good job,” says CMU graduate Tommy Chae. “I get job at technology firm. I am paid $60,000 a year. Tommy Chae like Governor Schweiker. Like Governor Schweiker very much.”

“Okay, okay, I’m fair. I’ll help out those kids from Pitt,” continues Schweiker, fumbling through Sunday’s Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. “Here, right here. Laborer… driver… cashier. There are plenty of jobs for Pitt students. NO WAIT!! Even better. Right here, look… ‘part-time dishwasher needed at Joe Mama’s Café.’ That’s right there on Forbes. Some lucky graduate won’t even have to leave their shitty apartment in South Oakland.”

With graduates leaving the state by the thousands, reports are unclear at this time whether the governor will broaden the “Stay, Invent PA” campaign locally to include Pitt.