Tuesday, August 26, 2014

10 People We Hope are Excluded from Pitt Football's "Plan for Every Fan"

Pitt football’s marketing department boldly declared they have “a plan for every fan.” While we encourage their welcoming overture, we caution them to reconsider their amicable ticket policy. As season ticket holders, we’re worried such an inclusive proposition might invite some of Oakland’s seedier characters into Heinz Field this fall. So, Steve Pederson, take note, here are ten fans we don’t want to see at Pitt games this year:

1. Mark Lee Krangle.

If he’s moved into conspiracies about the JoeBots at State College, then maybe we’ll take heed. But if he’s keeping with secretive plots about the Carter administration, we’re going to have to take a pass. Sorry man, nothing personal, it’s just that we really don’t give a shit.     

2. Your dude on Meyran who hasn't paid his electric bill in three years.

First of all, we realize we need to be more specific, this probably includes a subset of people so large that would be hard for even the most tenured Pitt math professor to quantify.  But we need every dollar of revenue to build that on-campus stadium we’re planning.  Right guys, we’re still building a stadium in West Oakland?         

3. That guy on McKee who has slept on your friend's couch for the last three semesters.

Applaud this guy for his resourcefulness, but we’re kind of concerned by his lack of a owning a bed. This guy is getting on your roommates nerves and would have been kicked out months ago. Though he does know where to find marijuana at three in the morning. But, let’s face it, the Rooneys have enough trouble getting Jeff Reed to leave after Steelers games, we don’t need to ruin their whole weekend. 

4. Li'l Roc. 

Rumor has it costume world has it in storage just in case. Let’s keep it that way. No real problem with Li’l Roc himself, it’s just the painful associations of douchebagary that accompany him. 

5. Luke Bryan fans.

Full disclosure, they’re all likely WVU fans, and that’s the way it needs to stay. If we start inviting these guys back to Heinz Field, do we really want to live with the mayoral parking sanctions that inevitably comes with them? We’re Pitt fans, we actually throw our shit away when we’re done with it.  Agreed, it’s not the best rallying cry for a fan base, but when you’re collegiate neighbors light shit on fire with disturbing regularity, or delude themselves into a cult-like state of unsettling idolatry, then that sense of normalcy should be applauded. Hail to conventionality!   

6. Bob Nutting.

Let’s face it, if he gets in Steve Pederson’s ear in the corporate box, we’ll be stuck paying triple for our season tickets while he convinces our AD to trade Tyler Boyd to Alabama so he can promote some rising star from CCAC to save on tuition costs.

7. That sassy counter lady from The "O."

Think Pittsburgh fans can be mercilessly cruel to our starting quarterbacks?  Just imagine if Chad Voytik happens to catch a menacing glance from her after a pick six.  His confidence will be so shattered, he’ll likely end up quarterbacking the Saskatchewan Roughriders.  Rumor has it, they’ll take anyone. Miss Sassy-Pants can continue reprimanding freshman for trying to buy malt liquor with a fake I.D., but please leave our student-athletes alone. 

8. The guy who holds the door open at the two Rite-Aids for cash and cash-equivalents.

Not that we don’t appreciate the luxurious A-list service that the holding of said doors affords us. It’s, just, there aren’t that many doors in Heinz Field so we have some logistical concerns with his presence there. And, also, sorry to have to address this issue over the internet through an anonymous Twitter account, but frankly, his door holding makes us a little…uh…uncomforta… uh… actually... forget it. Thank you for your service. If you let us know your PayPal account number, we’ll transfer a quarter.    

9. Dave Wannstedt.

He’s got the stache, pronounces words with pinpoint Pittsburghese, drinks Iron City, and eats Islay’s Chip Chopped Ham for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Additionally, he coached a Panthers team that ruined West Virginia’s shot at a national championship. So, why don’t we want him there? It’s not that we don’t love the stache and everything he embodies (outside of his special teams’ coverage), it’s just we’re still not ready for him and Steve Pederson to be in the same stadium at the same time. #TooSoon #Awkward  

10. Pitt Bubble Boy.

Never could tell if he was trying to rally the crowd or was having an epileptic seizure.  And never really cared to find out. He also scared small children and molested homeless animals (probably). 

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