Friday, July 11, 2014

15 Ways to Beat the Heat this Summer in South O

It's officially summer. And damn, it's getting hot in South Oakland. Live in an apartment without A/C? Parents too cheap to buy you one? Have no fear. There are plenty of ways to stay cool in the face of oppressive heat in a neighborhood that has what, like six decent trees...

1. Take an EXTRA long time with the cooler door open deciding which malt liquor you're going to buy at "The O."

Just buy the goddamned Steel Reserve already.

2. Stand under drunks pissing out of third floor window.

It's actually feels pretty cold by the time it hits street level.

3. Skinny dip under your neighbor's hose.

Mr. Diulius next door won't mind, right? 

4. Hang around inside Rite Aid until you get kicked out. Then go around the corner to the other Rite Aid and do the same. 
A Rite Aid store at Forbes Avenue and Atwood Street in Pittsburgh's Oakland neighborhood.

The one with the Panther on it is, like, so much cooler about this kind of shit.

5. Sponsor a wet t-shirt contest for your street.

Just don't hold one on Lawn Street. For all of our sakes. Just. Don't.

6. Drink enough so you don't care.

Seriously, grab an Old German at Gene's.

7. Switch from Camel to Kool.

And hey, it's the official menthol cigarette of the penguins.

8. Suck it up and just get a damn job at Market already.

Lower traffic during the summer means there's less of a chance your friends will see you. And aren't those Sodexho workers in a union or something? 

9. Use an ice cube on your partner during sex.

Let's face it, it'll be the least perverse thing you've done together in the last six months.

10. Watch highlights of Larry Fitzgerald when he was a Panther. Chills. 

Chills, man. Chills. 

11. Find out who at the bar has A/C and then hook up with them that night. 

It's completely understandable and acceptable. In fact, 76% of South O relationships that began over the summer did so only because someone didn't want to go back to their hot apartment the next morning, and instead chose to hang out at their hook-up's air-conditioned home.

12. Go for a dip in Schenley Fountain.

Most people don't realize the fountain is the only public pool in Oakland. 

13. Sneak into Mellinger's beer cooler and chill.

Little known fact: The best way to sneak into the cooler is via the tunnel underneath Semple Street. Access it from the secret entrance on Urie Way. 

14. Line up against Aaron Donald and let him knock you in to next season. 

Good lord, that's one bad motherfucker. 

15. Hey, Hillman is air-conditioned. You could always buckle down and study.

Nah, you're right… Gene's Place it is. See you there in ten.

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