Salk Returns to Pitt to Cure Hangover

This article originally appeared in the September 1985 edition of "Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!" -

Famed University of Pittsburgh Biologist Jonas Salk announced he will return to Pitt to begin work on another vaccine which will have ramifications for college students locally and throughout the world. Starting next week, Salk will direct a team of 10 researchers at the soon to be formed UPMC/Sigma Chi/Pittsburgh Brewing Company Hangover institute.

“It’s time we put an end to this wretched disease afflicting millions daily and billions on most weekend mornings,” Salk announced at a news conference last Thursday alongside Chancellor Posvar. “Why just last night I was visiting with a couple of my old colleagues at Peter’s Pub and wouldn’t you know it, I woke up with a wicked hangover this morning. And as I looked at myself in the mirror I thought, ‘why have I wasted so much of my life working on acute viral infectious diseases when one of America’s biggest health problems is staring me right in the face?’ Well starting tomorrow, my associates and I will put an end to the wretched physiological effects which follow the consumption of large quantities of alcohol.”

In the unique, public-private-fraternity partnership, Salk’s team will have an excess of willing participants to experiment on. Binge drinking Sigma Chi fraternity members will provide the control group for the study while Carnegie Mellon University students will provide the experimental group. With Pittsburgh Brewing Company supplying free kegs to greet the first study participants, hundreds have already begun waiting in line to become involved in the study.

While Salk is optimistic that his talents can be used to quickly find a cure for the common hangover, many in the local media were questioning where the eventual profits for the cure would go. Salk was asked by Post-Gazette columnist Reg Henry who would own the rights to the patent on a future cure. He responded, “Well, that’s an easy one. UPMC will own it. I’ve got a share and I’ll make millions; UPMC [will] probably [make] billions. As a matter of fact, I predict I’ll make UPMC so wealthy that one day they’ll be able to put their name across that new Steel building Downtown.”