Saturday, February 09, 2008

UPMC Promises Like $60-70 to Help Sigma Chi Party

With previous year profits totaling over $600 million, the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC) is making inroads with various community-based organizations to share the wealth from its efficient not-for-profit operations. The most recent benefactor was University of Pittsburgh fraternity Sigma Chi. A UPMC spokesperson announced the pact last Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce the Sigma Chi Promise,” announced UPMC spokesman Mark T. Ross. “With this partnership, we’re generously giving the Sig house enough for a half barrel from Mellinger’s Beer Distributor on a date for a party yet to be determined. We’re proud to establish relations with community organizations and happy that we can use our kindness and benevolence to provide a night of unity and togetherness for the brothers and their relations.”

Representatives for Sigma Chi were split about acceptance of the promise. Fraternity President Mike Ravenwood was adamant that the promise was in the best interest of the Sigma Chi household.

“Dude, like why the fuck not?” questioned Ravenwood to his brothers. “This is a free fucking keg. We’ve been dreaming about someone stepping up to buy us a keg for years now. It’s like my pledge master always used to say, never look free beer in the mouth. Well, unless you are doing a keg stand, then it makes sense to, but otherwise you shouldn’t do that shit. What fag would dare to oppose the equivalent of six point nine cases of beer, for FREE?”

While the sexual orientation of Ravenwood’s opponents could not be verified, their opposition was vociferous and steadfast against acceptance of the offer. Treasurer James Pedunkel championed the cause of the opposition.

“While this fag-hag [Ravenwood] makes the offer seem like a no-brainer, I’m wondering what backroom deal was made to bring about this partnership,” countered Pedunkel. “I mean who the fuck gives a free keg away and wants nothing in return? Have you tampons ever thought about what these corporate jerk offs want back? I’m betting they want to come and drink for free so they can hit on the sluts we have coming up here. Nerdy-ass doctors probably can’t get laid in the real world so they probably figure they can come up here and get our sloppy seconds. Well, I say emphatically, fuck no, not on my watch. Let’s charge the standard five bucks for dudes, buy the damn keg ourselves, and not have to whore ourselves out in order to bang them.”

Debate on the issue was momentarily tabled when it was revealed that the secretary was actually looking at an issue of Chubby Harpooners and not keeping minutes like he has been “fucking told to do over and over again.” Deliberations quickly changed when Ravenwood pointed to one of the women in the magazine and asked Pedunkel how much would it take for him to “bang that one.”

UPMC could not be reached for further comment on the offer.

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