Sharpsburg Man Declares Mellon Arena Bathroom Stall Historical Site

Mario Lemieux’s plans for a new Penguins arena by 2007 hit another roadblock yesterday when 38 year old Sharpsburg resident Jim Franklin declared the bathroom stall in the C-30 section of Mellon Arena a historic Site.

“That place holds a lot of special memories for me,” recalled Franklin. “On that spot I hit my first joint back during the Pens 91’ Stanley Cup run. It’s where I threw down and up over 1,000 Iron City Beers, and recorded personal bests in urination duration and defecation length. And during one memorable Monster Truck Rally, I even made a little vrrm, vrrm of my own when I smuggled one very lucky coed into my personal Mecca.”

Franklin has petitioned the Pittsburgh History and Landmarks Foundation with a request to make the stall and the surrounding arena a historical landmark. If the foundation grants approval it will become very difficult for the Penguins to justify demolishing Mellon Arena for a new home.

“We respect Mr. Franklin’s historical milestones,” said Penguin GM Craig Patrick. “We all have personal memories associated with Mellon Arena. However, we need to forge ahead into the 21st century to create new lavatory accomplishments which we can all be proud to show the world.”

While the Penguins see the destruction of Mellon Arena as a chance to construct a modern facility, City Councilman Sala Udin is hoping the demolition will right previous civil wrongs. “I can’t believe nearly 5,000 African-American residents were displaced from their homes in the lower hill so one white dude from Sharpsburg could feel nostalgic about a dump he took in ‘98. This is a new low for the city.”

Although Udin is outraged, the Penguins are hoping an appeasement policy will force Franklin to drop his request and satisfy the disgruntled season ticket holder.

“We are currently in negotiations with the Heinz History Center to set up a permanent ‘I remember Mellon Arena Toilets’ exhibit. That way Franklin and fellow restroom aficionados can tell their exotic bathroom tales to future generations of Pittsburghers,” said Patrick.