Thursday, March 06, 2003

Pitt Hires Stephanie McMahon As New Athletic Director

The University of Pittsburgh announced Tuesday that the position of Athletic Director had been filled. The position has been vacant since December 20, when Steve Pederson took the Athletic Director position at the University of Nebraska.

“After four months of intensive searching and interviewing, we have a new AD!” exclaimed Vice Chancellor Jerry Cochran, who headed the nine-member search committee. “And she totally kicks ass!”

Chancellor Mark Nordenberg then made the formal announcement: “I am pleased to announce that our new Athletics Director will be Ms. Stephanie McMahon.”

Ms. McMahon then took the podium, addressing the crowd. “I worked my ass off for the past 10 months to make WWE SmackDown! the best damned sports entertainment there is. Now, I’m going to use what I’ve learned in the WWE to explode the Panthers programs. Miami, Ohio State, I hope you can hear me! By next January, we will be the National Champions. And you can watch it all live on Pay Per View!”

Added the enthusiastic new AD, “Eric Bischoff, kiss my ass!”

The search committee, including Cochran, Senior Vice President of the Hearst Corporation John Conomikes, and former Athletic Committee Chairman Tom Bigley, said that this was one of the toughest decisions they had to make. “

Acting AD Marc Boehm was our favorite for a long time,” said Cochran. “However, after we saw what Stephanie had done for the WWE and SmackDown!, we knew we had to get her on our team.”

“Yeah, and she’s hot,” said Bigley.

Questions have already arisen about the extent her father Vince will get involved in McMahon’s career. Stephanie, however, diffused those rumors. “I’ve cut myself off from my father. Let him and the WWE just try to mess with me, and I’ll get all our great Panthers to stop ’em.”

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