Sunday, September 07, 2003

Point / Weaker Point: Squirrel Hill Tunnels

Why Are You People Slowing Down?
By Jeremy Clifton, CAS Senior, Monroeville

Why do people always slow down right before they enter the Squirrel Hill Tunnel? What do they think, a giant meteor is going to fall and crush the tunnel or something?

It makes no sense; it’s just a tunnel, that’s all. Two lanes. You don’t even have to merge. Millions and millions of people around the globe go through tunnels everyday and they make it through just fine. Some people might slow down if there’s a toll booth before the tunnel, but after that they go the normal goddamn speed. Sometimes people might even decide to speed up. And why not? It’s not like there’s gonna be a cop hiding around the corner to bust you.

I don’t understand Pittsburgh drivers. I’m from New York, and we’d literally get shot if we slowed down before we entered the Holland Tunnel. Murdered. DOA. But everybody in Pittsburgh feels compelled to slow down causing a major traffic jam, which makes me 10 minutes late for class. Thank you very much. Learn how to drive.


Oh God, I'm Gonna Die!
By Michael Donowski, Financial Consultant, Murrysville

Oh no, here it comes, oh my God. This is it. The end. Jesus Christ, oh God, bless me Father.

Oh, watch it buddy, don’t come too close. Wow, that was close.

All right, breathe in, breathe out. Relax, you’re gonna be fine. Everything’s gonna be all right. Just…oh my God. What was that? OK, not gonna die, not gonna die. Gonna make it through. Relax.

All right, slow down, here it comes, apply brake, nice and gently. Oh, too much. Oh God. It’s OK, it’s fine. Keep steady. Stay on target, Corsica; don’t switch lanes, Lumina. Now gently. Here it comes. Oh, no, I can’t do it, I can’t, I can’t…

Oh God, JESUS…all right, I’m in the tunnel. Just relax, stay in lane, oh no, I lost my radio, what’s happening? What’s going on? Help, can anyone hear me, hello. Why is my radio gone? What’s happening? OK, nothing. Just keep on moving, nice and slow. You’re gonna get out, you’re gonna get out, you’re gonna…oh, I can’t, I just can’t. I don’t like this at all. Why didn’t I just go through Regent Square? I wouldn’t have been that late for work. Why do I torture myself every time through this hell-hole? What’s that noise? My radio? It’s back! All right, just a little longer, just a little bit, hold on, easy, hold on…oh God, I’m out. Thank you, Lord, I’m out. Phew! Thank you, Jesus. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m gonna be OK.

All right!

No comments: