Sunday, September 07, 2003

CMU Campus Nothing Like Real Genius

To the average person, Randall Hoffman looks like any other high schooler enjoying their summer break. But Hoffman isn’t in high school. During the last three months the 15 year-old laser-engineering prodigy and incoming CMU freshman spent his free-time looking forward to his first week at school.

“I couldn’t wait,” said Hoffman from his dorm room in Hammerschlag Hall. “That first week was going to be great. I just knew all the robotics, computer, and engineering guys were crazy deep-down. We’d get together and make an ice-skating rink out of the dorm floor, fill the president’s house with popcorn, and best of all, have pool parties with hot girls in bikinis from the local beauty college.”

At the end of the first week though, a crushed Hoffman realized, “CMU is nothing like Real Genius.”

Aside from the disappointment over no party-crazed, eccentric classmates or not experiencing a “Tanning Invitational” with local blondes from the nearby beauty college, Hoffman also expressed sadness over not bonding with an older top-of-his-class engineer.

“Where’s my ‘Chris Knight’ to take me under his wing and teach me about life and that there’s more to school than just classes?” Hoffman asks. “I’m only 15 years old, and I need someone like him in my life to guide me through this first year and to get me free soda by using liquid nitrogen instead of actual coins. Who can I turn to now?”

“And you can forget about me falling for a brilliant yet quirky brunette,” Hoffman adds. “I’m stuck here in ‘Schlag’ where’s there’s not a girl in sight—but I heard they used to have crazy jello-shot parties here.”

And as far as taking part in non-Real Genius-like activities at CMU?

“Well, I went to some sort of ‘new school year’ event thing at the University Center, but everyone I tried talking to acted like I was someone’s little brother. I miss my mom.”

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