Thursday, March 06, 2003

South Oakland Zoo Secedes From Zoo Union

Approximately 1,300 members of the 5,000 member University of Pittsburgh men’s basketball fan club, The Oakland Zoo, are in the process of seceding from the main body of the organization. Starting next “Midnight Madness,” South Oakland Zoo members will withdraw their names from the men’s basketball season ticket lottery and give up their fanatic t-shirts.

The group cited a number of reasons for the secession. “Primarily, we are disenfranchised by the noon start of many of the Panthers’ Saturday games,” said South Oakland Zoo President John Mullins. “We find the athletic policy biased against South Oakland residents who do not usually get up until two or three in the afternoon. Noon Saturday start times hardly give us enough time to get a six-pack in our system. We are petitioning the athletic department to demand they schedule night games in the future.”

The South Oakland Zoo members also expressed dissatisfaction with other Zoo policies such as the constant jumping up and down during games, and a 12% Pitt Stop tariff levied on Oakland Zoo T-Shirts. While the South Oakland Zoo is insistent on their withdrawal from the union, the main body of the Zoo is attempting to block secession.

“Four years ago, we brought forth on Oakland a new basketball pride, conceived in alcohol, and dedicated to the proposition that all Oaklanders can be basketball fanatics. Now we are engaged in the great secession, testing whether basketball in the city of Pittsburgh can endure. It is up to us to ensure that the Zoo shall have a new rebirth as we back our team all the way to the Big Dance in New Orleans. Put plain and simple, a zoo divided can not stand,” declared Zoo founder and President Matt Cohen in his now famous Louisa Street Address.

In spite of Zoo opposition, the South Oakland Zoo plans to make secession complete in the fall of 2003. The South Oakland Zoo instead plans to throw its support to womens’ volleyball.

“Think about it,” questioned Mullins. “Would you rather watch Julius Page in knee hugging shorts, or twelve 5’10” females in hip-hugging shorts?”

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