As A Boxed Wine Connoisseur

By Brian Dupris,
Boxed Wine Connoisseur

Dear Boxed Wine Connoisseur,

I have a date with a new girl this weekend who won’t drink beer. I’m not sure if it’s going to work out with her, so I don’t want to spend a lot of money on liquor if I’m not going to get any at the end of the night. What can I get for $15 that will impress her enough to get naked with me?

Signed,
See You at D.U.


SYDU,

Wow, that’s certainly a predicament that Mr. Connoisseur knows something about. But friend, don’t fret, I do have the answer.

“What is that,” you ask?

Boxed wine, I respond.

Know this: there are many boxed wines out there. Some good, some bad, most are just average. Oh, the delight my palate felt as I drank my first sip of Franzia’s Chillable Red! What bouquet! What glow I felt as it filled my belly! But four liters of goodness wasn’t enough to satisfy The Connoisseur. Not at all. Soon, I was tasting Franzia’s Chablis, then their Burgundy, then their Zinfandel, then their White Zinfandel. Oh, a wine-taster’s dream, that White Zinfandel!

But soon, I felt I had to branch out. I began with Peter Vella’s Burgundy, and my love for all things Vella began. The boxed wines I’ve drank! So many! All oh-so-good!

But as far as fellatio is concerned, I recommend Franzia’s White Zinf. That will have your lady friend gargling cum in no time.

Ta, ta.