Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Who's Who in the South Oakland Community?

Pete Burns
Bouncer, Bootleggers

Listen you little freshman asswipe, don’t even try to get into the bar with that shitty fake I.D. You think just cause it’s laminated I’ll be duped into believing it's real? See freshfuck, there’s this little book I got called the I.D. Checking Guide which displays every valid driver’s license format for all 50 fucking states plus 10 of those Canadian providences you think you're so clever for using. You have a better chance of getting through U.S. Customs with a goddamn grenade launcher than ever setting foot in here. Do us all a favor, moron, and stay at the fucking frat house until you're 21.

Ted Perkins
Drugdealer, Corner of Dawsom and Atwood

Hey, man. Wanna get high? I got the best selection in fuckin’ town. I’m talking Ditch Weed, Inner City Schwag, Mexican Flatbud, Chronic, Purple Haze, Northern Lights, Super Skunk, White Widow, I even got that government shit that my grandma uses for her glaucoma, man ... it’s stale and you have to smoke a couple big, fat blunts to get a good buzz goin’, but hey, man, it gets the job done. And since you’re new in town I’ll give you the “Freshman Special,” a Dime bag for the price of a Nickel. Man, just call me the hooka-with-a-heart-of-gold.

Angelina Dixon
Total Cum Dumpster™, Towers Lobby

Welcome to South Oakland, handsome. Since you’re probably a virgin, the first thing you’ll be looking for is a nice piece of ass. Now before you start pacing outside of the sorority suites, let me warn you that those bitches are nothing but big prick-teases! You’ll have to go to all their stupid date parties, formals, and hayrides plus buy them flowers and candy (the sugar-free kind or else they won’t eat it) and you probably won’t get laid for at least a month. I don’t bother with any of that shit. If you want no-frills, anonymous sex, I’m you're girl. Lesbians welcome.

Bill Martin
Guy who will buy you beer, 217 Semple Street

I remember what it’s like being a freshman: sitting in your dorm room, sipping on cheap, warm beer that you boosted from a frat party the night before. It sucks. I mean, if you’re old enough to go to war and die for your country, you should be able to buy a six-pack of brew, right? Anyways, now that I'm “of legal age,” it’s my mission to help freshmen score some cold beverages for a Panther tailgate or apartment party. I only charge a $5 service fee, $10 if you want a keg. That’s a pretty good deal considering the legal risks involved. But, hey, when I see an underager get totally trashed and pass-out in a pool of his own vomit, I smile and say to myself “it was all worth it.”

Bret Vincent
Fraternity Recruiter, Pi Kappa Alpha House

Have you considered rushing a fraternity? You should. It’s the best way to prepare yourself for the “real world.” You’ll meet tons of new people, learn how to network, and get involved in the University community. I know what you’re thinking, “Frats are all about drinking beer and fucking goats,” but that’s not entirely true. Yeah we have our share of fun drinking with barnyard animals, but this is a BROTHERHOOD; a national organization built on strong values. We’re dedicated to the success and happiness of each member. We also help out the less fortunate through philanthropy work (that’s Greek Speak for “charity”). Last year we donated to Make-A-Wish, Meals-On-Wheels, Toys-For-Tots, Dicks-For-Chicks ... heh, heh, just kidding about that last one. Although you do get to meet tons of hot women. It just so happens that I met my girlfriend, Angelina, at a fraternity party. RUSH PIKES!

Lloyd Hamilton
Sombrero Man, No Fixed Address

Have annnnnny change?

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