CMU's "Lobster Boy" Boiled, Sautéed, Eaten

The half-eaten body of Bill Kofmehl III, Carnegie Mellon University’s infamous “Lobster Boy,” was found floating in a puddle of butter by Doherty Hall last week. Police say that the killing is not the work of some deranged sociopath, but an act of “performance art” by three Pennsylvania Culinary students.

Darren Haden, Paul Sips, and Jen Saville, all seniors in the Le Cordon Bleu culinary arts program, needed nine credits in “creative expression” to fulfill their graduation requirements. They knew that their future rested on one final project.

“‘Lobster Boy’ spent months in his little house without talking or removing his costume,” Haden explained, “so we thought, ‘Hey! If he’s that dedicated to his art he has to accept all the risks involved in being a crustacean!’”

After Kofmehl’s project was shutdown due to fire code violations, the culinary students invited the dejected artist to a hot tub party, asking him to wear his lobster suit. The threesome reportedly got him drunk, drowned him in the boiling water, and proceeded to sauté him in garlic butter and chives with a tomato garnish.

Gerald Dobbs, the culinary students’ professor, gave them high marks for their effort. “This was quite an enterprising dish they came up with. It was rich and savory without being too heavy. If it wasn’t for the capital murder charges against them, these kids would have bright futures as master chefs.”