Monday, August 24, 2015

Six Tips to Help Freshmen Adjust to College Life at Pitt (#Pitt2019 Edition)

Welcome Freshman! And congratulations... you’re about to begin your “adult” life where your biggest hurdle will be ungluing yourself from Snapchat for more than 35 seconds to challenge yourself to develop an attention span of a full minute. Wait, did your phone just ding? Ahhh, who gives a fuck, you’ve probably already stopped reading by now. But just in case you’re in the 1% category of incoming freshman who can actually read a full paragraph, pat yourself on the back… as you're about to experience some very important years in Pitt's history… In order to best make 'em count, we offer these six tips to help you adjust to life at Pitt:

1. Remember: *SMALL* "O" Fries

We know, that cardboard tray labeled "Small" doesn't look too big. But don’t try and be a hero by going large on your first O order. It’ll take years of liver destruction and illicit substance abuse to even attempt to conquer a medium O fry in a single sitting. Large fries? That’s for grad school students and rehab patients. Don’t worry, you’ll probably be in the latter cohort, make us proud!

2. Look left for busses.

Yes, there should be an app for that, but there ain't. It's the hard reality of life in Oakland. It's straight up concrete warfare with them mother fuckers from Port Authority. Snitches get stitches, and students who don't look both ways before crossing the street often get traumatic injuries ranging from benign medical conditions to a post-mortem for the main cause of the cessation of oxygen intake.

3. Pitt is IT!

That’s right, Pitt football is back. At least we think it might be…we hope it might be…we pray it might be.  Oh, God, please let it be back, please, please, please. We just can’t take much more of this. A new coach will bring a change in destiny. And maybe you’re just naïve enough to believe us if you’ve never heard of Mike Gottfried, Paul Hackett, Walt Harris, Dave Wannstedt, Todd Graham, or Paul Chryst. If all you know is Pat Narduzzi consider yourself lucky. Narduzzi has upgraded facilities and expectations for the season, and in response you should vow to clear your schedule and pollute your liver on game day. 

4. Penn State sucks.

Some might want to censor this statement and feel it doesn't represent the fine spirit of collegial sportsmanship. Some may even dismiss the rivalry's relevance as a nostalgic throwback fad from the late 70s or early 80s, akin to a package of Pop-Rocks or a Rubik's Cube. But those people won't be ready for next year. Holy shit, do you realize that you'll be the first class in like 15 years to get to watch Pitt play PSU as a student. Tens of thousands envy you. Learn early, learn often: P-E-N-N-S-T SUCKS! 

5. Take a picture of Cathy.

Did you know the Cathedral of Learning is the tallest educational building in the Western Hemisphere? And that it's on the National Register of Historic Places? And we bet you didn't know… ah the hell with that. Want to look cool on Instagram? Snapchat? Twitter? Go take a damn photo of Cathy. It's like if Gigi Hadid were a building… it CANNOT take a bad photo at ANY ANGLE. Besides, you don't officially go to Pitt unless you share a pic of it's most famous landmark. As if you didn't already when you made your first visit. #blessed

6. Make sure you always have at least a $5 AND a $1 bill on you after 11PM.  

You were just a year too late, freshmen. Just last year, and seemingly for eons before, you could get a steaming hot Antoon's cheese pizza (Pick-Up Only!) for only a five-spot. But those days are gone. The price of flour, or cheese, or something has gone up, and here we are: faced with pizza for $6. It's still cheaper than whatever your parents were feeding you at home, as if you had paid attention before. Maybe $6 pizza won't seem strange to your virgin eyes and taste buds. But ask your economics professor why the world sucks and why those of us who were damn near weaned on $5 pizza now need to spend $6. And if that professor is super cool, maybe he or she will loan you the extra buck. 

Thanks for reading! Click here to follow us on Twitter @souf_oaklin

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