Sunday, October 19, 2014

Seven Alternatives to Burning Couches at WVU

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West Virginia University. What a God-forsaken dump. And what's with all the couch-burning that goes on there? But let's face it, if any of us went there, we'd be looking for anything to burn as a metaphor for how our lives had turned out. But come on, Mountaineers, there are some better alternatives than a functional couch... 

1. Kerosene

Would it finally appease Vulcan, the god of fire? Probably not. But it would be so damn cool. Plus: Miranda Lambert.

2. Morgantown, proper.

Seriously, just wipe it out. For all mankind.

3. Holgorsen's remaining hair. 

Do him a favor. Do us all a favor, and just be done with it already. 

4. Milan Puskar stadium. 

No hooooooome, Mountaineers! But yeah… It's just better this way. 

5. All forms of coinage. 

Until WVU fans stop hurling it at opposing coaches, it needs to be done. 

6. Kevin Pittsnogle VHS Highlights Cassettes. 

First off, it's been almost a decade since he did whatever the hell he did (we're not really sure), so it's time to move on. Secondly, Mountaineer fans, you may want to try an "emerging" new technology called DVD players (they're new in West Virginia). They show the same fancy technochrome picture images as VHS, but without all the hassle of despoiling when the tape gets all mucked up. We know change is hard, but trust us… baby steps. 

7. Your WVU Degree. 

It's probably not worth the paper it's printed on, but... if you show potential employers that you can light it on fire, well now, that's one more marketable skill than your degree provides.

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