Economic Stimulus Checks Spark Underground South Oakland Economy, Joints

While President Bush and Congress enacted economic stimulus legislation to spark the American economy out of recession, in South Oakland the payments have served other incendiary purposes. Since economic stimulus checks have been arriving in the locale since May, neighborhood cannabis retailers have been experiencing a boon in an already thriving market. This has lead many local politicians like US District 14 Congressman Mike Doyle to question whether the payments are really serving their intended purpose.

“When we fought for these rebates for American workers, we had visions of these checks spurring local businesses and encouraging our regional economy in places like South Oakland. I’ve been shocked to find out some of my constituents have been having a high time on Uncle Sam’s dime. I’m tired of these [expletive] students crying foul about student loans and increasing costs, and then when you throw ‘em a bone every now and again, they go and try to smoke the damn thing,” lamented Doyle.

Though Congressman Doyle has remained daunted by the harsh realities of the South Oakland economy, other economic analysts are not so quick to judge. University of Pittsburgh Research Associate Chris Briem explains, “While yes, I understand Mike being concerned about government money being used for illegal trafficking of controlled substances into our region, I think in a strange way these monies are landing directly back into the hands of legitimate South Oakland entrepreneurs, or I should say as legitimate as South Oakland entrepreneurial endeavors can be. On the surface you won’t see the direct correlation of stimulus checks to taxpaying business, but on closer examination you’ll see an economic trickledown effect that would make Ronald Regan roll over in his grave. I’ve pulled numbers on this and somehow for every one dollar invested, for lack of a better word, into the “marijuana crop,” it yields a three dollar return in South Oakland business. This is good news for the Antoons, Campus Delis, Wheel Delivers, and Fuel n Fuddles. These businesses are thriving compared to the same quarter last year. This means more jobs, and a larger tax base for the region. Perverse and misguided, perhaps? But you can’t argue with the data.”