Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Oakland To Be Heated By "Natural Gas"

The City of Pittsburgh is in the midst of a terrible budget crisis. Positions within the police department, fire bureau, and other emergency services have been drastically reduced. Many critics are looking to Mayor Tom Murphy’s administration to find a way to balance the City’s budget before the beginning of the next fiscal year.

Oakland, whose large populace due to universities and hospitals, has been chosen as a testing ground for some of the Mayor’s new cost-saving initiatives. Oakland will now rely on “natural gas” to keep residents warm this winter.
Last week, Mayor Murphy announced his latest budget-cutting plan: the “Have A Heart. Lay A Fart” campaign. Murphy is asking all Oakland residents, employees, and visitors to ingest some of the myriad of spicy foods available in the area.

Restaurants such as India Garden and Spice Island Tea House have already seen an increase in business as have Mexican-themed restaurants. In addition to Mad Mex, La Fiesta, Qdoba, Veracruz and Taco Bell, Oaklanders can enjoy discounted Mexican grub at the new Baja Fresh on Forbes Avenue.

“Oakland’s future depends on your flatulence!” Murphy said before leading City Council in a spirited performance of “Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit.”

Although the aggressive campaign is quickly gaining support, not everyone in Oakland is singing along. Bob Taft, a lifelong Atwood Street resident, thinks the mayor’s plan stinks.

“It’s bad enough that I gotta smell stale beer, vomit, and rotten garbage every goddamn day,” Taft said while trying to breathe through his mouth. “The last thing I want to catch’s a whiff of some frat boy’s ass after he’s downed ten chimichangas.”

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