Horoscopes fo' Musicians

Rap-Rock:
Even though you did it all for the nookie, she did it all for the government assistance children bring. Remember, no matter how much you want to beat on her, it’s not cool anymore. Kid Rock says so.

Punk:
Money is good this month: no good shows, student handouts are in full force, Hot Topic is having a sale, and PBR is running a shitload of promotions. There are savings out the ass, kids.

Singer/Songwriter:
When a singer and a songwriter become one entity, WYEP creams their pants. This month, watch out listeners, cause pants may need changed in your life, too.

Techno:
God bless America and those folks who are still on the techno train. Now is a good time to take that trip you always talked about…for an indefinite time. Don’t forget your safety sticks.

Hip Hop:
A financial burden may be in your future. Yep, that’s your baby’s mama nagging you again and your baby’s daddy’s high as a kite. Keep in mind it’s never too late to cash in your bling bling.

Emo:
“Relationships, what are those?” A common question, right? Well, keep crying. Your girlfriend really is cheating and life is as bad as you think. Now who’s high and dry?

Indie-rock:
If your horoscope was known, then it wouldn’t be cool anymore.