Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Cumpie Enters Pack of Democratic 2004 Presidential Hopefuls

Beloved Oakland bar owner John “Cumpie” Brimley has officially announced his candidacy for the 2004 presidential race. Cumpie will enter the race as a Democrat and battle Howard Dean, John Kerry, Dick Gephardt, and Al Sharpton for an attempt to capture the White House.

“It’s time to bring America back to the people,” Cumpie declared from the steps of his Atwood Deli after preparing his signature “great white” pizza. “For too long, we’ve been under the control of a leader who doesn't have the American people’s best interest at heart. It’s time for a change, and it’s time for a candidate who does. I am that candidate.”

While Cumpie has extolled himself as the ideal candidate to replace Bush, many critics view this as nothing more than a publicity stunt to promote his Oakland establishment.

“Cumpie’s trying to push his own agenda onto the students and residents of Oakland,” Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Political Analyst Maeve Reston reported. “And his agenda is not tax reform, it’s quarter draft reform.”

Cumpie, however, is quick to counter his detractors. “I’m used to people telling me I can’t. When I first bought the bar formerly known as The Decade, people told me that it would fail like all the other businesses that tried to replace the rock and roll venue. Well, to my critics I say, have you been here on a Thursday night? It’s packed wall to wall with pseudo frat boys consuming multiple drafts. Just as I reformed the corner of Atwood and Sennott, I will reform the corner of Pennsylvania Avenue and 16th Street NW.”

Cumpie has already received political backing from the Italian-American Club of Western Pennsylvania, Oakland Business Improvement District, and, surprisingly, the Liquor Control Board of Pennsylvania. While early polls show Cumpie with only a marginal percentage of the Democratic vote nationally, locally he’s experiencing great success capturing nearly 90% of the 4.2% of Pitt students who vote.

No comments: