White Pitt Students for "White Complacency Society"

Thirteen affluent white Pitt students have formed a new organization to solidify their place in both the University of Pittsburgh and society at large.

“Recently, as a people, we’ve had the good fortune to be on top of the world,” white Pitt student Jason Tyler explained. “We wanted to come together to form an organization which would not really do anything except honor that lineage and celebrate our place in society.”

The group, made up of white, suburban Pitt students, was formed in response to recent gains by minorities in terms of scholarships at Pitt and in job status due to affirmative action.

“God gave white people an innate ability to make prosperous connections with those of similar cultural background and skin color. We just want to ensure that we need to do as little as possible in order for our children to have this same opportunity. Our dream is that hopefully one day [our children] will receive the same jobs our parents’ parents had, or at least build a trust fund large enough so our children won’t have to work,” said White Complacency President Alan J. Gould.

Without much action in recruitment or requests for funding, the group has already gained over 50 members and raised an operating budget of over $2,000 annually for unspecified events.

“It’s a scary world we’re living in,” Tyler admitted. “We just want to make sure that we don’t have to apply ourselves too much, and that we can still fuck off for another four or five years and still get well- paying jobs when we graduate.”

“It’s our unalienable right to experience this rite of passage,” Gould added.