Thursday, February 13, 2003

Local Fraternity Adopts Judge Patrick McFalls

When his Shadyside home was repossessed, former Allegheny County Judge H. Patrick McFalls was forced to wander the cold streets of South Oakland. But now, thanks to Adopt-A-Bum, McFalls is living in a plush University of Pittsburgh fraternity house.

The Adopt-A-Bum project, which was instituted last fall by the Pittsburgh chapter of Habitat for Humanity, places homeless people in Greek living quarters for an entire semester.

In January, McFalls became an honorary brother of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. But some fraternity members are not convinced that the former judge is a “true gentleman.”

“I can’t stand that asshole,” said SAE president Matt Webber. “He drinks all of our booze, drops his pants at parties and tries to take over chapter meetings by stealing my gavel! I wish we would’ve adopted Sombrero Man or even the blind dude that sings gospel outside of McDonald’s…anyone but this loser.”

“Objection!” retorted McFalls. “In my day, fraternities were wild and crazy. None of this ‘charity’ and ‘philanthropy’ bullshit. I have to act this way to uphold the standards of fraternity ethics.”

McFalls blames his erratic behavior on personal problems, the September 11th attacks, and his inability to “score with a hot freshman chick.”

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