Thursday, February 13, 2003

Jack Daniel Solves Pitt's Problems

This past year, in an effort to solve the problems stemming from the connection between student and academic life, the University of Pittsburgh looked no further than Jack Daniel. Provost James V. Maher announced the permanent appointment of Daniel as vice provost for undergraduate studies and dean of students, consolidating both positions into one title. Pitt hopes that Daniel will help numb the loss of previous vice provost Sharon Johnson, who walked out on the University in 2001.

“Everyone in the administration knows that no one will help you forget about women-problems like Jack Daniel,” said Maher.

“Well, we just felt it was the right time for the University to turn our hopes to Jack,” said University of Pittsburgh spokesman Robert Hill. “We’ve been trying to get over Sharon leaving us, and all the while trying to bridge the gap between student and academic life. Sometimes it’s just too much to deal with. We should have realized it before, but Jack Daniel is the only one we can turn to. We knew it was all about just taking that first shot.”

While the University is happy with the final decision, other options were eyed in the past year, including John Walker from nearby West Virginia and especially James Beam from Rutgers.

“We were well aware of how much Rutgers depends on Beam to get them through their daily routine,” added Hill, “but in the end, we felt that Jack had helped us cope with so many problems we've had here before at Pitt, it was worth sticking with him.”

When asked about their feelings for Jack Daniel, most Pitt students seemed excited.

“Jack Daniels rocks!” exclaimed Pitt sophomore Michael Cohl. “Shit man, ain’t nothing gonna help you through rough times like Jack Daniels. My roommate’s all about the Cuervo, but fuck him. If I was running the show here [at the University], I’d be hittin’ the Jack, too.”

Jack Daniel has left a bad taste in the mouths of some though.

“Ugh, don’t even get me started,” began former vice-provost Johnson. “It was like sometimes I felt as if the University trusted Jack more than they trusted me. God, there were sometimes where I’d put in late hours with Jack back at our office. The next morning, I’d feel nauseous just thinking about it. It would be weeks before I’d even be able to look at Jack Daniel again without feeling sick. After a couple times like that, I had to get out of there. I put in so much of my life into that University. If they think they can get through these tough times with Jack Daniel instead of me, they’ve got serious problems.”

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