Saturday, March 16, 2002

CMU Student Gets a Different Kind of Virus

Jason Simms, a junior at Carnegie Mellon University and a member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) fraternity, was diagnosed Tuesday with a virus.

“I’d gotten one before,” said Simms. “When I was in high school, I got that shitty Michaelango virus, and it totally destroyed my hard drive. But this virus was different. I'm not sure how I got it.”

When asked to review the events of the past weekend, Simms reported a fairly typical one. Friday night, he and his old pledge class went to see “The Wedding Planner” at McConomy Auditorium. Saturday night, SAE threw a “total kick-ass party” where Simms “got fuckin' hammered” and had sexual intercourse with a University of Pittsburgh undergrad known only as “Kim.” Sunday was spent writing a program for class.

Simms’ roommate, Phil “Weasel” Danner, known even at CMU for his excellent programming and de-bugging skills, was also confused. “Jay came home Saturday night with this skanky Pitt chick, right, and he’s out of rubbers so he asks me for one. Well, I was at the last level of the new Bond game, so I told him ‘no can do right now, bro.’ I heard them going at it, so I guess he found one laying around somewhere.”

“I thought I was protected, I always am,” said Simms. “I don't even open mail from my mother without first running McAffee. How could this happen?”

CMU student health nurse Jennifer Collins was the only one who could come up with an answer. “Simms has to face the fact that he put his floppy where it didn't belong. He should know better than that–we provide excellent STD education here and recommend he take notice of our preventative precautionary checklist.”

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