Saturday, March 16, 2002

Atwood Street Threatened by The Bomb

In a press conference Wednesday, the Middle Eastern restaurant Road to Karakash, located on Atwood Street, announced it is the bomb. This announcement comes only two weeks after India Garden, another Atwood Street restaurant, made the announcement that it was the bomb.

“Yes, it is true, my friends,” said Mustafa Ibn, “With the opening of Klub Karakash, we, the Road to Karakash, are the bomb! There is no better dance club anywhere in this great city.”

This statement represents a new chapter in the ongoing, worldwide Hindi-Muslim conflict. It was eerily similar to India Garden's now famous “Pub I.G. is the Bomb!” campaign run earlier in the year.

“We like to think that we are still the greatest club, that is, pub, in the Pittsburgh area,” said Pub I.G. spokesman Sri Velmin. “All of you know how we have the most beautiful bartendresses around and the tightest security.”

Pub I.G. bartender Jennifer Gerrard added, "Where else can you get $1.50 bottles of Coors Light and Yuengling Lager, not to mention great drink specials all the time? Plus, we have a kick-ass DJ every single night!”

“Their DJ, he is nothing,” said DJ Ali Muhammet, Klub Karakash's new spinner. “They think that wooden walls with Hindu gods can be better dance than Allah.”

Klub Karakash, while adhering to many of the tenets of Islam, has broken from tradition in one regard: they sell alcohol. “Yes, Allah might be angry with me for permitting a bar on my land. But in Pittsburgh, if I not have alcohol, Allah will be mad with me for not running good business. My sympathies go out to the Americans that died because of some of the fools of my faith. However, Klub Karakash is not just trying to put Pub I.G. out of business, we want to see the Hindu scum gone from our block. This is a holy jihad of Allah!”

“This is jihad?” asked Velmin after hearing Ibn's statement. “We are a peaceful people, and only doggerels such as these followers of ‘Allah’ would say these foolish words. Pub I.G. will always be the jewel of Atwood Street Minor.”

This is the latest incident in the ongoing Atwood Street battle first begun by the Mad-Mex/La Fiesta “Tex-Mex” war in 1999.

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