Friday, February 01, 2008

Nordenberg Report to Recommend Consolidation of Pittsburgh, Allegheny, Fayette, Westmoreland, Butler Counties, Pitt, CMU, Carlow, CCAC, Uncle Jimmy’s

In an exclusive investigative report, S.O.F.L. journalists have learned that the much-anticipated report led by University of Pittsburgh Chancellor Mark Nordenberg calls for the merger of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County into one municipality. The so-called “Nordenberg Report” is a yearlong study by a group of researchers to investigate benefits of consolidation of city and county governance. Many Grant Street insiders have speculated for some time the report would lean towards consolidation, however, S.O.F.L. believes that many in city and county government will be ill-prepared to discover the true findings as told to our reporters.

According to this dude we met at the bar last night, who, in the interest of full disclosure was a little tipsy (OK, he was shit canned, but this dude really seemed to know his shit, but anyway, according to this anonymous source), “[Nordenberg and the study group] are totally going to recommend like Pitt takeover everything in a hundred mile radius of the University – including this bar.”

The anonymous source went on to give specifics of the group’s intentions to merge services in surrounding counties, universities, and taverns. Citing three neighboring counties which would consolidate services: Fayette, Westmoreland, and Butler Counties as well as four area universities: Pitt, CMU, Carlow, and CCAC. Oddly enough the source only mentioned South Oakland drinkery Uncle Jimmy’s as the only tavern by name.

The source also revealed the Nordenberg team will encourage the chancellor to assume a viceroy-like position over the conglomerated municipalities. The source quotes Nordenberg as telling the study team, “It is with great reluctance that I agree to this calling, I love Pitt, Pittsburgh and the surrounding counties. I bleed blue, black, and gold, and I will step down from this position once the merging has abated.”

Insiders speculate that Chancellor Nordenberg will acquire power from the democratically elected Mayor Luke Ravenstahl with the help of his middle-aged apprentice, widely speculated to be Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato. With his apprentice in trouble after a duel with the public over an approved drink and car rental tax, the chancellor will need to resurrect his apprentice’s political career if his plan is to succeed.

Meanwhile, a potential disturbance to the plan and final hope for the dwindling city loyalists lies in the hands of the 27-year-old political neophyte who comes from a rich lineage of public servants. The chancellor is rumored to be threatened by Luke’s presence, but believes his connections with Onorato can bring him on board and the three of them together can rule the region.

The chancellor’s report will be released in March, but in the meantime Onorato is expected to enact Order 66, which calls for the use of Penguin Owner Mario Lemieux to construct a Downtown superstructure which will unite the region and kill any potential resistance.

Nordenberg and Onorato refused comment on the study and refused to be interviewed for this article.


Ken said...

I also heard that the Pitt Pathfinders were deemed "enemy combatants" of the new consolidated area. Most were fired instantly, but a few have escaped and will be hunted down.

Anonymous said...

...please where can I buy a unicorn?

Anonymous said...

any content coming ?