Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Pitt Prevents Zombie Uprising Through Parking Fees

When it comes to fighting zombies, the University of Pittsburgh's weapon of choice is asphalt.

In 1968, after reanimated corpses devoured the entire population of Evans City, PA, school officials paved over Oakland Cemetery, a burial ground located behind Pitt Stadium.

The hallowed ground is now known as the OC Lot.

"It was a preventative measure," says David Foster, a former Pitt trustee. "We thought, 'Better safe than sorry.' Besides, people were dying for more parking in Oakland. ... Man, I've been using that one for 40 years and it's still funny!"

While no zombies have ever surfaced, many permit holders have reported paranormal activity at the OC Lot.

Mark Davidson claims his Ford Taurus is possessed by '80s-era corporate rock every time he parks in his designated spot.

"Even when the ignition's off, my car radio blares nothing but the Starship song 'We Built This City,'" he said above Grace Slick's monotonous roar. "This place is like musical purgatory."

Ghosts have also been known to crash parties at nearby fraternity houses.

"Last Friday, I watched five cases of Beast Ice get sucked from my closet, out the window and into a vortex swirling above the OC Lot," explained Robby Whitaker, president of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. "I guess when there's no more booze in Hell, the dead will drink shitty beer."


Missy P said...

Good to know I'm not the only flesh sucker that raids frat parties near the Pete.

Frank said...

They probably stole the Beast Ice to compare to Hell's homebrew--Natty Light.

The Blurgh

Ken said...