Mall Easter Bunny "Fucks Like Rabbit," Declares Exhausted Shopper

South Oakland resident Sarah Lowell went shopping for an inexpensive outfit, but instead got quite a different kind of bargain during her recent visit to Monroeville Mall. Lowell, 21, considers herself a semi-regular at the mall, though this trip marked her first where she participated in sexual activities.

“I can’t believe I fucked the Easter Bunny!” Lowell exclaimed to her giggling circle of friends.

While having lunch in the food court last week, Lowell spotted Sam Mahoney – the designated mall Easter Bunny – sipping a milkshake in front of Baskin Robbins.

“He was wearing that furry body suit and overalls, but his bunny head was off,” Lowell said. “With his hair all flat and sweaty, he looked really hot! So I go up to him with my food and I say, ‘You want some fries to go with that shake,’ and he’s all like, ‘No, but how ‘bout some ass’ and I said, ‘Oooh, you wascally wabbit.’”

Minutes later, Lowell and Mahoney were having sex in the men’s room behind Manchu Wok.

“He was fast, but efficient,” Lowell said. “I just hope he didn’t ‘dye’ any of my eggs, if you know what I mean.”

After the hippity hop-in-the-sack, Mahoney returned to his Easter Bunny duties: posing for pictures and passing out chocolate treats to children. The Lowell fling was his most impressive since a Christmas Eve hand job he received from the hands of a local high school senior girl. He received the sexual favor while playing an elf for Santa last holiday season.

“I like this job,” Mahoney said. “I can usually control my hormones while I’m on duty, but it’s hard not to get horny when you’ve got people bouncing up and down on your junk all day. Not to mention the MILFs. I never thought women in their mid-thirties and forties could be so attractive. They can pick me up and take me to practice in their mini-vans any ol’ day of the week.”